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On this blog I like to stick to all things photography. That may be why this blog sometimes goes a little disregarded lately because I have been trying to take some time off to spend with my little family. Which brings me to why I am writing this post today. It is not anything Photography but maybe a little life lesson for me that I felt I need to share.

here it goes..

Last night it was a typical day. I was home, doing laundry, doing the bills,( realizing how much money we DON’T have),  and cleaning the house. Ive been pretty stressed lately with the holidays and the kids and the fact that we are trying to finish our basement before Christmas gets here. ( yeah that probably isn’t going to happen)  Not overly stressed,  but normal Christmas time/being a mom stressed. So last night we had a little family night. We learned about why we celebrate this time of year. It is about the birth of our Savior. It was a good night, a typical chaotic night at the Taylors. The kids had gingerbread men with hot chocolate, we got ready for bed after the typical rowdy time (it sounds like a herd of elephants running through the house!), baths and teeth brushing, and finally after threats of ‘ “If you don’t listen to me and stop playing around We will put you outside until your ready to calm down!” (too harsh??). Nick and I were even able to go get an hour of painting done after the kids were to bed. By the time my head hit the pillow at midnight I was exhausted. I remember my mind was spinning with all of the things I had to do the next day and all the naughty things by boys have been doing lately and how to correct it. You know, typical mom stuff..So here is where my dream came….

the dream….

It was almost as though I was reliving the last few days. Friday to be exact. Carsen had a Christmas program. I remember telling him I wish I could go but I couldn’t because I had to go to the hospital and get surgery. I told him something was wrong in my brain and the doctors needed to go in and fix it. I kept thinking this was no big deal. And the kids and everyone else didn’t seem like it was a big deal either. I told them I would see them Sunday. I was worried about Hayes and if she would take formula while I was away. My mom would be taking the kids while I was in the hospital. After that, it seems hazy. It was though I was in another dream. I was with people who where passed away. I remember talking with a group of older men and they looked at me funny and was shocked I could even see them because most people couldn’t. Was I dead? I was looking for my grandpa but I couldn’t find him while I was there. I seen some other people while I was there and I had a job at this salon sweeping floors and cleaning. It was like a was starting this new life by myself with out my husband and kids and there was nothing abnormal about it. It was strange. But them I FINALLY woke up (out of my dream inside my dream) it was like I had been in a coma. I was so excited to see my husband and my kids! To me it was like I had been asleep for only a day or two. I couldn’t wait to hear how Carsens play was. I couldn’t wait to hold my baby and feed her. I could wait to snuggle my little Drew and give Sawyer a big Bear hug and ask them about their day. I was back to my parents house.  She had my kids. Everyone was acting strange. Carsen was the first one I saw. He was so tall! It was almost as though he was mad at me. He was much older that what I had remembered. I asked him how his Christmas play was. He didn’t answer me. I started to cry. What was going on? I looked out my parents window looking for Drew and Sawyer. I couldn’t see them. My mom came and seen me crying. I asked her where Hayes was and if I could feed her. She looked at me with disgust and said “she doesn’t NURSE anymore!” I cried harder. Where is my baby? I looked over into the Kitchen and seen a little girl who had to be almost 3 years old standing there with her back to me. She had little pigtails and was wearing a little red dress. She had no idea who i was. That was my little Hayes. She wasn’t a baby any more. It was now October and Hayes was 3 years old. I had missed it. I had missed the last 3 years of my children life’s. I had not only missed the Christmas program but I had missed Hayes first steps, her first words, her first everything! I thought about Drew and Sawyer and what they must be like now. Sawyer had to be around 9 years old. I missed his baptism. Drew would be 7 by now. I had missed so much with all of them! I cried harder. I missed this precious time in their life. The last 3 first days of school, the last 3 Christmas mornings, the last 3 everything. The bawling was uncontrollable by this point. It was the bawling where you cant even breathe and no sound even comes out. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My mom almost seemed mad at me too that I had left her with all my kids for so long. ( I don’t know where Nick was) She was going about her day, getting Hayes something to eat, knowing Sawyer and Drew were outside playing and telling Carsen to come and pick up his things out of the kitchen. I stood there with tears running down my face not able to move.

Then I woke up.  I woke up crying. Have you ever had such a bad dream you wake up crying? This dream was so real that I woke up thinking I was still at that point in my life. I was so sad at all the things I had missed. When I opened up my eyes and I was in my bed, in my room, and it was December 20th 2011. I was so happy. Tears kept falling because I was so happy now. I got up and seen my Christmas tree in the living room all lit up with presents underneath. As corny as it may sound, but I felt like Ebeneser Scrooge. Like I had been given another chance. Now lets get real, I don’t have tons of money or am I a scrooge when it comes to Christmas but maybe these dreams came to me for a reason. Maybe it was a good little reality check of how lucky of a girl I am. I have a home. I have a sweet baby girl who I have waited for for years. I have 3 wonderful handsome healthy boys who light up my life. I have an amazing wonderful husband who loves me. I have a wonderful family with parents who would do anything for me. I have dear sweet friends and siblings  who are always there for me. I have it all. (not to brag or anything) I think we need to really look at our lives and be grateful. This morning as I got up I looked at my kids in a whole new way. I savored the moment as they were lined up at the bar eating their breakfast. Carsen 12, Sawyer 6 and drew 4. My heart was full as Hayes woke up crying ready to have her mama feed her. I am lucky. I get to be here as they grow up. I get to deal with the fights, with the tears, with the running through the house like a herd of elephants. I GET to be here for that.And honestly I wouldn’t change it for anything. Because I also get to be here for all the good times that come along with it too. So during this holiday season if you are reading this, maybe think to yourself like I had to do this morning, As bad and stressful as Christmas is, as crazy as life may be most times, dealing with a dirty house, laundry piled up to the ceiling, bills to pay but no money to pay them, or kids telling you no, not listening, and fighting with each other, ask yourself this… How would I feel if I woke up 3 years later and I missed it all? I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t miss all this craziness for the world!

Merry Christmas!